Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Tough Work/Family Decisions

Tough Work/Family DecisionsBy: Ken Canfield

Should you take that big promotion even if it means more travel? Should you change careers?A dad named Tim recently asked us for advice on some big decisions related to his career and how it impacts his ability to be a father.

Well, Tim, here's a decision-making system I recommend, and it'll work even for your daily work/family decisions.

First, you can try the time-tested method of listing pros and cons related to the decision. What are the benefits of changing jobs?" "What are the liabilities of working late?" Put them all in a list. Get your wife's input as well.

Next, come to a clear understanding of your hopes, your dreams, your desires-not for your job-but for your family. Which comes first?

Then, I'd suggest going to another father-perhaps a mentor-who can offer his own practical insight.

Ultimately, tough decisions related to your family will mean committing yourself to your hopes and desires for your family. And, you should know, commitment always involves some sacrifice.

Now, committing more of yourself to your children may mean a pay cut or giving up opportunities in the business world. Still, that commitment always seems pretty smart to me. I talk to a ton of retirement-age men who'd give anything to go back and make different choices when it comes to spending time and energy at work as opposed to investing themselves in their families.

Committing to our jobs first is often easier to do. That's because the job description is more clear, we have more control, a paycheck makes us feel valued, and-let's face it-sometimes at home with our families, we feel like "excess baggage."

But I believe that's our culture's deception. Remember, our kids need us, even if they don't show it. Putting work first probably means we'll be giving up a lot of the satisfaction of being close to our children.Jobs will come and go, but we have limited opportunities to make memories with our children.

And Tim, remember, you're not alone. Many dads face the same tough decisions every day. I know you'll make the right choice.

Characteristics of Growing Dads

Characteristics of Growing Dads
By: Ken Canfield

Howard, who grew up without a father, is a 37-year-old father of five. He became a father in his teens and has struggled for years with the demands of raising five children, especially since he never had a male role model. Working two jobs, he was always too tired for his kids and made excuses instead of spending time with them. When Howard got into trouble for substance abuse, his rehabilitation program included a fathering class, where signs of a life change began to show.

His wife Rita said, "I've seen a lot of changes in Howard.... He's a different man." As Howard said, "It takes work. I'm trying to learn how to be more consistent with my kids. I just want to love them more."Randy also deserves a lot of credit. He had the courage to stand up in a group of men from his church and confess, "I'm struggling with my stepson, who I'm trying to love, but he just will not respond. It's brought tension to the whole family. I've done everything I can think of." He continued, "Will someone pray for me?" The men did, and Randy gained strength to keep trying.

A week later, he had a major breakthrough with his stepson.

These are growing fathers.James was approached by his young adult daughter about what she hadn't received from him growing up. She knew he cared for her, but she sensed that he was always too busy for her. She felt a gnawing lack of love and attention; something was still unresolved, she said.James' responded with, "You're right, honey, those things were missing. I'm sorry, and I want to make sure they're not missing now." That day was the start of a change in their relationship.These growing fathers took the initiative to restore and rebuild relationships with their children. Each of them has realized that fathering is an adventure in humility, where honesty and the support of others is as important as having the right answers. They are able to learn from mistakes and grow through the tough times.

GROWING FATHERS HAVE:

A Steadfast CommitmentHow do you assess your commitment to your children? Many times, it isn't so much what you're doing, but what you're not doing what you're willing to give up in order to gain in the eyes of your kids. Being a good father takes sacrifice.

Some of the best stories of fathering sacrifice come from extraordinary situations. Men have altered the course of their careers and their entire lives to take care of their special-needs children, children facing unusual physical or mental challenges. Those men should inspire us, but we should also recognize that all kids, to some extent, have special needs.You may have to make adjustments for the sake of your family, sacrificing job advancement, activities you enjoy, or even extra service in your community or church. As a committed dad, sometimes you have to sacrifice what is good for what is best.Maybe you stay up late to help your son with a speech that he's nervous about when you also have a presentation to give the next day. Or you give up your Saturday round of golf to go bicycle riding with your daughter.Committed dads recognize that difficult circumstances aren't an excuse to bow out on their responsibilities. Fathers father. Growing fathers find ways to be effective even in the face of adversity and discouragement.

It may seem like no one notices all you do, but the fruit of committed fathering a close bond with your children?is its own reward. And there are few satisfactions in life that can compare.A Long-Range PerspectiveGrowing dads know that their actions today have an impact on tomorrow. They see beyond the immediate temptations of recognition, power and achievement that the world offers and strive to succeed first with their families. Steven Covey's advice, "begin with the end in mind" has almost become a clich?, but it's an important concept for good fathers.

Fathering from a long-range perspective means that, when your son acts up at the dinner table, you don't simply assert your authority and threaten or punish him to get your way. That may be a quick-fix solution, meeting your immediate desire to restore order and quiet to your household, but you may ultimately be driving him toward bitterness.

If you are truly motivated to act in your child's best interest, you'll step back, consider the long-term effects on the relationship, and then act in a way that results in both you and your son winning. And you may still see fit to discipline the child; or you might decide that a good talk would better deal with the behavior problem and reinforce your relationship with him. However you handle it, the important thing is that your motivation is right, because you considered the long-range implications.Ten or twenty years from now, these daily battles aren't likely to be important to you, but your relationships with your children will matter, and realizing that can make a huge difference in how you father today.

Sources of Ongoing Encouragement and Equipping Your Children's Mother. The most valuable resource available to help you grow as a father is the mother of your children. Of all your "secret weapons," she's at the top of the list.You gain confidence when you have support from someone with the same goals and purpose. She provides another perspective on what your children need and reminds you of commitments you've made to them. You compare notes, get feedback on how you're doing, and gather the strength to love your kids through whatever struggles tomorrow may bring.

Fathering Education.

When men come together to learn about being better fathers, good things almost always happen. Besides the practical insights you may learn, it can be invigorating to see other men who share your desire to be there for your children?and some who share your struggles. You'll hear stories that move and inspire you; you'll meet people who change the way you look at fathering; you'll join a room full, church full, or stadium full of men who are committing to be the fathers that their children need.Other Resources. There are more quality resources available for today's fathers than our dads ever dreamed of: books, tapes, magazines, radio programs, feedback surveys, Internet sites, seminars, and ongoing training curricula. (Other pages of this issue of will point you to some of these resources.)

Accountability Partners.

When moms get together for coffee or talk on the phone, one of them will say, "Guess how I finally got Abbie to stop sucking her thumb," or, "You should have seen what that kid of mine did last Friday." They naturally relate experiences and share about their joys and struggles. They are swapping tips and telling each other, "Be encouraged; you're not alone." As men, we need to do the same.

There are men on your block, in your church, and at work who are growing in their fathering, just like you, and you'd benefit from meeting regularly with them. Some of them have kids who are hard to handle. Some have kids who strayed from the path they intended. When you bring up a recent problem with your daughter, one dad says, "Boy, I know how tough that is." He tells you how he handled it and what he'd do differently if it came up again. These men could have a dramatic impact on your fathering, and you may have some insights to share with them.They should also have permission to confront you about some destructive habit in your fathering. It's uncomfortable, but you know they're only looking out for you. And, with their continued concern and encouragement, you'll find motivation to make changes for the better.

A Willingness to Adjust

Our kids need us to be consistent?predictable in our moods and habits. At the same time, we need to adjust our behavior to the ever-changing demands that come with life-long fathering.

We need to be aware of our children's development as they move through various stages. Ask any father of a teenager if he has adjusted the way he relates to his child. We need to alter our approach according to each child's unique personality and life dreams. One child is embarrassed easily in public; another thrives on that attention. Each child is unique, and we need to adapt our fathering accordingly.

There are other good reasons to make adjustments. Maybe your father was emotionally distant, and you're just now learning about the deep satisfaction of connecting to your children emotionally. As you grow in this or other ways, that should show up in your fathering.

We also want to change when we recognize our own unhealthy behavior patterns like an explosive anger, avoiding conflict, or some overbearing personality trait. We need to take whatever steps are necessary to improve in those areas, for our kids' sake.We need to be consistent and rock solid as fathers, while leaving room for creativity, spontaneity and change.Humility precedes hope. Even "good dads" struggle to meet the many challenges of fathering. Some of us have made many mistakes, and we're trying to win back our children's trust.

Others have spent years frustrated with work schedules that have kept us apart from our children. Some had success early, but lost touch as our compliant son or daughter turned into a distant teenager.But there is always hope for growing dads. We trust that things will get better, not worse, and that prevailing optimism affects the way we think, talk, and live our lives. It restores our larger purpose and provides a sense of confidence and enthusiasm. There are no guarantees that everything will turn out fine, but the best predictor of the future is the present. What we do today will make a difference tomorrow, the next day, and the next.Each one of us must face our past and our shortcomings, and then step up to be the everyday heroes our children need.

ACTION POINTS

Read a book that addresses an area of personal development for you: communication, self-discipline, anger management, etc.

Develop long-range goals for your fathering. Write them down; verbalize them to someone; review them periodically.Talk with your spouse about each of your children's specific needs including what you'll need to discuss with each one in the next six months.

Commit yourself to a lifelong learning plan for your fathering.Buy breakfast or lunch for a dad or two with older kids. Ask them what they would do again, and what they'd do differently.Sit down with your family and write a mission statement where you define or reaffirm your important life values.Form or join a group of fathers who meet regularly to share encouragement, accountability, and fathering insight.

Tell your family, "I want to be a growing dad." Ask them for suggestions or ideas.?

If Jeremiah Wright is a Prophet, Isaiah Wasn't

If Jeremiah Wright is a Prophet, Isaiah Wasn't
By Dennis Prager
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Were the controversial comments made by the Rev. Jeremiah Wright "prophetic"? That is the claim made by a large number of black and white clergy, by the head of the United Church of Christ and by many other defenders of Rev. Wright.
As summarized by the religion editor of the Kansas City Star (March 29, 2008):
"Scholars and black clergy say Wright … simply reflects a heritage of prophetic preaching in the black church. Prophetic preaching 'is the trademark of the black church tradition, of which Jeremiah Wright is perhaps one of the most illustrious exemplars,' said Walter Earl Fluker of Morehouse College in Atlanta.
"'Black prophetic preaching emerges from black slavery,' said the Rev. Angela Sims, instructor of Christian ethics and black church studies at St. Paul School of Theology in Kansas City. 'Black prophetic preaching can be associated with Old Testament prophets, including Amos, Hosea, Jeremiah and Isaiah,' she said.
"'The African-American church has always had a prophetic role in black life in America,' said the Rev. Donald D. Ford I of Second Missionary Baptist Church of Grandview.
"'Wright fits in that tradition,' said Peter Paris, professor emeritus of Christian social ethics at Princeton Theological Seminary in New Jersey." The Chicago Tribune (March 28) reported that "Wright's preaching … is in the 'prophetic' tradition, one of many that have evolved in black pulpits. … 'Shocking words like 'God damn America' lie at the core of prophetic preaching,' said Rev. Bernard Richardson, dean of the chapel at Howard University."
In the Wisconsin State Journal, Bill Wineke, a columnist and ordained clergyman of the United Church of Christ (UCC) wrote:
"You see, you and I may look at the short clips of Wright sermons played almost endlessly on cable television and agree that they are filled with 'hate.' [Hillary] Clinton knows better. … She knows the tradition of prophetic preaching in the church. Every theologian I know who has actually attended Trinity United Church of Christ -- including Martin Marty, probably the most popular theologian in America today -- agrees Wright's sermons, taken in context, rest squarely in that tradition."
Wineke then goes on to relate how another UCC minister, from a generation ago, also spoke from the prophetic tradition:
"In Madison, the late Rev. Alfred W. Swan, minister of the First Congregational Church (now part of the UCC) from 1930 to 1965, was regularly denounced for his preaching. One Sunday in 1952, Swan mounted the pulpit to announce 'I am not a Communist, and I have no intention of being one.' That was after Swan had criticized the Korean War, urged the country to make peace with China and suggested that Russians were better off than they had been before the 1917 Revolution. Not surprisingly, Swan regularly faced calls for his dismissal."
The Rev. Anthony B. "Tony" Robinson wrote in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer (March 28), "After 9/11, Wright charged that 'America's chickens are coming home to roost' … he said 'God damn America.' … Sounds like what the Bible calls a prophet."
The Dallas Morning News (March 29) reported, "More than two dozen well-known black preachers and scholars, in Dallas for a long-planned conference, offered unequivocal support Friday for one of their number who was not there. … Several of the scholars and preachers spoke at a news conference. They said that Dr. Wright's sermons fit into a long-standing black tradition of prophetic preaching."
Warren Bolton, associate editor of Columbia's (S.C.) The State (March 26), compared the Rev. Wright with Jesus Christ.
The Rev. Marshall Hatch, pastor of New Mount Pilgrim Baptist Church in Chicago, wrote in the Austin Weekly News (March 26): "It is providential that this has come in the midst of Holy Week 2008, a season when we commemorate the crucifixion of Christ and the vindication of God for faithfulness to prophetic speech."
The Dallas Morning News (March 19) quoted the Rev. Tyrone Gordon, pastor at St. Luke Community United Methodist Church in Dallas, as saying: "One thing I said to the church on this past Sunday is that a lot of us are taking it personally because it is an attack on the whole black prophetic experience."
Now, what are some of the comments that are so widely deemed "prophetic?"
"We've bombed Hiroshima, we've bombed Nagasaki, we've nuked far more than the thousands in New York and the Pentagon, and we never batted an eye."
"We have supported state terrorism against the Palestinians and black South Africans, and now we are indignant. Because the stuff we have done overseas is now brought right back into our own front yards."
"America's chickens are coming home to roost. Violence begets violence. Hatred begets hatred and terrorism begets terrorism."
"The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then wants us to sing 'God Bless America'? No, no, no, not 'God Bless America,' 'God Damn America.'"
"The government lied about inventing the HIV virus as a means of genocide against people of color. The government lied."
As morally disturbing as the Rev. Wright's comments are, and as troubling as is the fact that the man favored to be the Democratic Party's candidate for president of the United States chose to stay in the reverend's church for 20 years, there is something even more disturbing in the widespread labeling of these comments as "prophetic."
It is one thing to have a broken moral compass as do the Rev. Wright and those many Americans of all colors who also see America as a force for evil; who also believe immoral American behavior caused the slaughter of 9/11; who similarly regard America as morally equivalent to its terrorist enemies; and who see Israel as the moral equivalent of those who seek to exterminate the Jewish state. But to distort the biblical prophets' values to mean the opposite of what they actually mean is arguably an even greater sin.
The essence of the real prophets was not that they said things that disturbed people; the moral essence of the prophets was their moral clarity. They knew the difference between good and evil. "Woe unto those who call good 'evil' and call evil 'good,'" said the Prophet Isaiah.
Those who cannot see the monumental moral gulf between America and the unspeakably evil jihadists America is fighting in Iraq and elsewhere are not prophets. Those who think Americans got what they deserved on 9/11 are not prophets. Those who think the Russian people were better off under Communism are not prophets. Those who think America developed AIDS and infected people of color with it are not prophets. Those who think America is more worthy of damnation than of blessing are not prophets. They are fools. Dennis Prager is a radio show host, contributing columnist for Townhall.com, and author of 4 books including Happiness Is a Serious Problem: A Human Nature Repair Manual.
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